Difficult Conversations
The episode with my brother was challenging. Having a conversation with my brother is not challenging, it is very easy, even when we are not on the same page. What was challenging was the response that the conversation between the two of us had. By no way, shape or form, was this a conversation to beat up on our mom. Her and I have had many discussions about the revelations I have had regarding my childhood experience. I shared with her the loneliness I felt and the huge disconnect that I always felt with her. What I had to say about my childhood experience would not be new for her to hear. I believe that my brother is hurt and is having a hard time discussing many things with my mom because he will not feel heard by her.
I believe that many of our parents do the best they can with what they know and the capacity they have. Knowing that they did the best they can under their circumstances does not always alleviate the pain of those childhood experiences and that is why it is important for parents of adult children or parents of non adult children to listen and acknowledge their child’s experience. In my experience, having clothes, a roof over my head and food to eat was great but it was not how I received love. As a kid with “big emotions” and anxiety that was never identified, I needed emotional support, hugs and validation from my mom. She wasn’t in the position to give that to me and that was something that I needed the most. As a parent, I decided to parent differently. The security of a home and food…the basic necessities are still important to provide but I have been intentional about providing encouragement, validation, positive experiences, hugs, kisses, a listening ear, a soft place to land, and an open mind has been some things that have been important to me when parenting. I wanted to give my son all of the things I never had; not a big focus on the material things he has received but a large focus on how I show up for my son, emotionally. I have the loved my ability to turn those sour lemons into sweet, country lemonade. My son deserves this sweetness and I do too.
It is so easy for us to fall into familial patterns (“I didn’t receive hugs and kisses so I didn’t do it with my kids”) but we do not have to do that. Think about how the familial patterns that didn’t feel so good, felt to you and consider making a different choice for you. If you need support, please seek the support. Talk to someone, a friend, a partner, a mental health provider… it can feel so good. Remember, you DESERVE.
xoxo, Chioko